-the struggle with relationships is very common for people with BPD
-a key symptom of BPD is fear of abandonment
-this symptom may cause you to need frequent reassurance that abandonment is not imminent, to go to great lengths to try to avoid abandonment, and to feel devastated when someone ends a relationship with you
-people with BPD both fear abandonment and have symptoms that create conflict with others and often leads to abandonment, which then reinforces the fear
Ways to stop the unhealthy cycle of conflict and abandonment-
-DBT-interpersonal effectiveness skills are taught, these skills can help you learn to be more effective in relationships, which can make those relationships stronger and more likely to last
-Schema-focused therapy-may be helpful in identifying and actively changing problematic ways of thinking that cause issues in your life, it can help you find healthy ways to get your needs met
Object Constancy
-originates from the concept of object permanence-a cognitive skill we acquire at around 2-3 years old. it is the understanding that objects continue to exist even when they cannot be seen, touched, or sensed in some way
-it is a psychodynamic concept
-in adulthood, object constancy allows us to trust that our bond with those who are close to us remain whole even when they are not physically around, picking up the phone, replying to our texts, or even frustrated at us
-with object constancy, absence does not mean disappearance or abandonment, only temporary distance
-the lack of object constancy is at the heart of BPD traits
-for the insecurely attached individuals, any kind of distance even brief and benign ones, trigger them to re-experience the original pain of being left alone, dismissed, or disdain
-this fear could trigger coping survival modes, such as denial, clinging, avoidance and dismissing others, lashing out in relationships, or the pattern of sabotaging relationships to avoid potential rejection
-without object constancy, one tends to relate to others as “parts” rather than “whole”
-without the ability to see people as whole and constant, it becomes difficult to evoke the sense of the presence of the loved one when they are not physically present
-the feeling of being left alone on their own can become so powerful and overwhelming that it evokes raw, intense, and sometimes child-like reactions
-when abandonment fear is triggered, shame and self-blame follow closely, further destabilizing the anxious person’s emotions
-a big part of developing object constancy is to have the ability to hold paradoxes in our mind
-if we can hold both faults and virtues in ourselves and others, we would not have to resort to ‘splitting’
-we do not have to devalue our partner because they have disappointed us completely, we could also forgive ourselves. just because we are not perfect all of the time does not mean we are defective or unworthy of love
The BPD Group 