My own fear of abandonment has ruined relationships, caused me to have suicidal behaviors, made me spend hours upon hours having intrusive thoughts, made me clingy and needy, and much more.
My boyfriend and I are in a long-distance relationship (I know what you’re going to say…), he lives in Tennessee and I live in Wisconsin. It is such a challenge, especially for someone with Borderline, who has very strong abandonment issues and absolutely no object constancy. Our latest problem began when I became jealous and distrustful after he went to attend a seminar in another state. And the next three weeks after that, I became more and more fearful of being abandoned, I had more “flare-ups” of emotions, I wrote in a journal about how he was going to abandon me and how it would be better if I were just dead, or if I could stop myself from texting first, if I could do anything to stop what I knew was coming.
And then it came. He abandoned me.
I was livid when I read his email. It said “don’t ever contact me again”. DON’T EVER CONTACT ME AGAIN. I read it and reread it. I felt sick. I texted him. No response. I texted him again. No response over and over. I felt dead. Now, I don’t remember everything that happened next. But I think it was something like the following…
I wanted to die. I knew I had 60 ativan waiting for me in my drawer. I started taking them. I kept texting. NO RESPONSE. So I took more. I don’t know how many I took. I just wanted to not be there anymore, I just wanted to not feel. I took more. I must have passed out.
The next day I didn’t wake up until early evening. I immediately felt extreme panic and anxiety. I tried texting him again. My anxiety only grew as the minutes and hours went on. I didn’t care that I missed work that day. That never even entered my head. All I could think of was how I couldn’t take it anymore. The heart and the mind can only take so much. And I was done.
I knew he didn’t care about me anymore. I knew it wouldn’t matter if I was dead or alive. I was angry, I was sad, I was hurt. I went to work the next day in a daze. My manager and my district manager were there waiting for me. They asked me why I missed work the day before. And in that moment, I felt like somebody cared. I cried and told them everything. They were kind and understanding. They helped me to call for help, they went with me to the psych hospital. I knew I had to go to the hospital. I wanted help…
If you would like to send me your own stories of object constancy or abandonment, please feel free to. Send to kosteckiamber@gmail.com
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