-the fear of abandonment could show up as a lingering feeling of insecurity, intrusive thoughts, emptiness, unstable sense of self, clinginess, neediness, extreme mood fluctuations, and frequent relationship conflicts, or cutting off completely and becoming emotionally numb
-if the message we were given as an infant was that the world is unsafe and that people cannot be relied upon, it would affect our ability to withstand uncertainty, disappointments, and relationship ups and downs
-object constancy originates from the concept of object permanence, a cognitive skill we acquire at around 2 to 3 years old, it is the understanding that objects continue to exist even when they cannot be seen, touched, or sensed in some way
-in adulthood, object constancy allows us to trust that our bond with those who are close to us remains whole even when they are not physically around, picking up the phone, replying to our texts, or even frustrated at us, with object constancy, absence does not mean disappearance or abandonment, only temporary distance
-the lack of object constancy is at the heart of Borderline Personality traits, for the insecurely attached individuals, any kind of distance, even brief or benign ones, trigger them to re-experience the original pain of being left alone, dismissed, or disdain, their fear could trigger coping survival modes such as denial, clinging, avoidance and dismissing others, lashing out in relationships, or the pattern of sabotaging relationships to avoid potential rejection
-without object constancy, one tends to relate to others as “parts” rather than “whole”, without the ability to see people as whole and constant, it becomes difficult to evoke the sense of presence of the loved one when they are not physically present
-the feeling of being left on their own can become so powerful and overwhelming that it evokes raw, intense, and sometimes child-like reactions, when abandonment fear is triggered, shame and self-blame closely follow, further destabilizing the anxious person’s emotions
-because the origins of these strong reactions were not always conscious, it would seem as though they were “unreasonable” or “immature”, in truth, if we think of them as acting from a place of repressed or dissociated trauma-and consider what it was like for a 2 year old to be left alone or be with an inconsistent caregiver-the intense fear, rage, and despair would ALL MAKE SENSE
-fear of abandonment is over-powering because it brings back the deep trauma that we carry from when we were a little child, BUT WE MUST ACKNOWLEDGE THAT OUR FEARS NO LONGER REFLECTS OUR CURRENT REALITY, we are adults now and have different choices
-as adults we could no longer be abandoned, we could no longer be rejected, we could no longer be engulfed or trapped-we can say no, set limits and walk away
-as a resilient adult, we learn to stay inside of our bodies even in fear, with dissociating, and we could stay in relationships with others even in the midst of uncertainty, without running away in avoidance and defenses
-rather than getting stuck in the search for the “missing piece”, we come to recognize ourselves as a whole and integrated being, the trauma of being dropped and left alone has passed, and we are given the opportunity for a new life
What are some of your own stories of object constancy? Do you have any ideas on how to fix the problem as adults?
Email me at kosteckiamber@gmail.com
Thank you!
The BPD Group 