Hopelessness

Why do we get the way we get? All we do is push the people away that we love.

Why do we even bother?

Is it even worth it to try?

Or will we eventually ruin it with them anyway?

Is a relationship even possible when you have Borderline?

You know it’s not going to work, you know it’s not going to last, you know you’re just going to get your heart broken. Why bother? Why are we asking ourselves to get hurt?

We want true love. We will go to any lengths to have it and keep it. We want our soulmate. We want that fairy tale, that unconditional love. Is it possible? Is it? I don’t know. Sometimes it feels hopeless. Like you just know it’s going to end badly, but you hold on so hard anyway. Even though it feels hopeless, somehow you still have hope. You can’t let go of that tiny bit of hope. You think this time will be different, you think you can handle it, you think you can stop the Borderline things before they cause any excess damage. But can you? Can you stop the distorted thinking? Can you somehow realize that your brain is playing tricks on you? And how do you stop your brain from doing this?

They say do DBT, learn to use your wise mind. I believe I am very self-aware before a Borderline episode, as well as after. But in the midst of it, those rational things don’t even enter your mind, you do things impulsively, your thoughts are racing, your heart is pounding, your emotions are out of control, and you just can’t stop it. What are you to do when rationality gets thrown out the window and your emotions are controlling you? How do you stop these emotions from even starting in the first place?

Maybe there’s a way. First you need to be able to realize when you are beginning to have distorted thinking or starting to get out of control. Next you need to find a way to stop this mode of thinking. Perhaps having a sheet of paper hanging on the wall where you will see it all the time, and fill it with coping techniques for when you are in a crisis. That way you can access the list easily. You could even keep a copy of it on you at all times, so you are able to use it anywhere you need it. I know that when you are in an emotional crisis, the first thing you do is NOT to think of looking at a list. It happens much faster than that. Bam. Distorted thinking. Bam. Hopelessness and worthlessness kick in. Bam. You do things impulsively. Bam. Suicidal behaviors. Bam. You feel guilt and shame. This could all happen within a matter of seconds or minutes. But maybe, just maybe, if your eyeline happens to cross the path of a helpful list you made, it could slow down or stop your mode of thinking.

I am trying to do this right now. It is not easy. It seems that once my Borderline things begin, it’s a flurry of emotions and racing thoughts, along with a deep sense of hopelessness and worthlessness, followed closely by the shame and guilt that always come.

To stop all of that can be a daunting task. At first you may think it’s impossible, that you’re doomed to either keep getting abandoned your whole life, or you are simply destined to be alone forever. Both of these outcomes cause you to feel anxiety, hopelessness, worthlessness, dread, and shame.

The difference is that if you choose to take the chance of being/not being abandoned your whole life, you are still holding on to hope. If you choose to be alone for the rest of your life, you have given up on hope.

Which of these two situations causes less pain and suffering? If you choose to give it a try, and still have hope, you run the risk of being abandoned constantly, which hurts beyond belief and puts you at risk of self-harm, suicidal behaviors, and other impulsive things. If you choose to stay alone, you may struggle with being lonely and having high anxiety because of that. So how do you choose? What are the pros and cons of each decision?

To take the risk of being abandoned, some pros are love, or the chance of love, support from your partner, taking a chance to make the fairy tale come true, and hope of unconditional love. Some cons are running the risk of being abandoned, hurt, or rejected, risk losing that love, you are constantly hypervigilant, you are fearful that whenever you and your partner have a disagreement that they will leave you, you struggle with feelings of worthlessness, helplessness, and hopelessness, when you make a mistake with your partner and they get mad at you and the extreme guilt and shame that comes with that.

To spend the rest of your life alone, some pros are that you don’t need to worry about being abandoned, less feelings of worthlessness, helplessness, and hopelessness, you are less fearful and you don’t need to worry about being rejected. Some cons are the fact that you could get very lonely, you could possibly revert back to being hopeful about being in a relationship which will cause you pain, suffering, and fear, along with hopelessness and helplessness.

So how do you choose?

I guess it depends on what your heart wants the most.