-BPD relationships are chaotic, intense, and conflict-laden
but why? why does there always have to be chaos? who’s fault is it? i think it is the non-BPD partner. the non-BPD partners would say it’s the person with BPD’s fault. but most likely, it’s a combination of the two. it’s intense because people with BPD are intense. And the intensity doubles if both partners have a mental illness. and why all the conflict? both partners disagree, then it becomes more intense, then it becomes a real problem, then the BPD partner starts to feel like they’re going to be abandoned, then they get abandoned. this happens over and over.
-People with BPD are often terrified that others will leave them
of course we are terrified. people leave us all the time. somebody left us when we were two years old, they abandoned us. we are so intensely scared that we will be abandoned, that we will do whatever it takes to stop that from happening. but once it happens, and abandonment is for real, we will do anything we can, whatever it takes to hurt that other person. and even though we do this, that person will continue to come back to us, and the cycle repeats.
-Abandonment sensitivity
this fear of abandonment can lead those with BPD to be constantly watching for signs that someone may leave them, and to interpret even a minor event as a sign that abandonment is imminent. we are hyper-vigilant, we see signs that others cannot see. one little thing can happen and you just know that they’re going to abandon you. one little thing can send you on a spiral downward. and the person will abandon you, you just know it. and it does happen. then you get angry, then you get revenge, then you get sad, then you feel guilty, then that turns into feeling suicidal. all because some loser decides to hurt you?
-the emotions may result in frantic efforts to avoid abandonment, such as pleading, public scenes, and even physically preventing the other person from leaving
i’m sure we’ve all done this. you see the signs of abandonment coming, you feel terrified by it, you start pleading with the other person to not leave you. which makes them want to leave you more. unless you get lucky and find somebody with actual compassion and empathy, who will not leave you and instead will choose to understand you.
-Impulsive sexuality is another classic symptom of BPD, and many people with BPD struggle with their sexuality
sometimes we act out sexually. sometimes we feel so impulsive and we want the feeling to end so badly, that we will do anything, even do impulsive sexual things, like have an affair, cheat on somebody, or engage in dumb things we know we shouldn’t be. but usually, the non-BPD person likes how sexual the person with BPD is. but suddenly, they get nervous that you are so sexual and they worry that you’re going to cheat on them, even though you’re worried that they’re going to cheat on you. suddenly they don’t like how sexual you are, and they use that against you. The non-BPD person will use whatever they can against you, they’ll use anything. they’ll gaslight you all day long, and then cry when someone else does it to them
-Research has confirmed that people with BPD tend to have very stormy romantic relationships characterized by a great deal of tumult and dysfunction
but who in the relationship is causing the dysfunction? people always assume that it’s the person with BPD. but what if it’s not? what if it’s the “normal” person in the relationship. if people with BPD have dysfunctional relationships, then so do the people they’re with. how do these research studies know about how the non-BPD person is acting in the relationship? maybe they’re an emotional abuser, maybe they’re a liar, or maybe they’re constantly gaslighting the person with BPD. these studies don’t include this information. which makes them all inconclusive. they need to do research that includes this very important information
The BPD Group 