-splitting is black and white thinking, and is a hallmark of intensely unstable relationships, the person with Borderline splits off from the less favorable features within him/herself, and won’t tolerate them in their partner
-at the very heart of the Borderline person’s acting out behaviors is core shame, a leftover from a childhood fraught with confusing messages, neglect and abuse, which left them doubting their lovability and worth from infancy forward
-any self-acknowledged error makes a person with Borderline think their a “bad person,” which is why their denial defense is so thick
-not all people with Borderline mutilate their skin, but most have become emotional cutters, in short, they heap criticism, shame, and guilt on themselves until they’re dug so deeply into a dark, cavernous hole of despair, it could take days or even weeks before they can emotionally reconsitute themselves, start to climb out of it, and rebalance
-simple, trivial shortcomings or defecits can make somebody with BPD believe they have no right to live, so destructive is the person with Borderlines self-repraoch for even minor mistakes, their shaming inner narratives they make of their dreadful feelings, can make them want to die
-splicing, another characteristic, describes a specific behavioral pattern which is typical in your dynamic with a person with Borderline, allows a person with BPD to return after highly volatile or disturbing ruptures in their dynamic, and act as if nothing troubling has previously occured
11 signs you’re splitting
1 you think about the other person in terms of being “perfect”, “evil”, “angelic”, “demonic”, “saintly”, or “narcissistic”
2 when things go wrong, you always feel “cheated”, “betrayed”, or “screwed over”
3 when you have a fight you feel as though the world is crumbling around you or coming to an end
4 most of your relationships have been intense and stormy
5 you go through regular cycles of “I love you, I hate you, don’t leave” in your relationships
6 at the beginning of relationships, you tend to idolize your partner and put them on a pedestal
7 after disagreements with your partner, you begin to lose respect for them and start to think they’re bad, stupid, pathetic, hateful, or not worthy of your time
8 you enter cycles of pushing people away, and then trying to pull them back (push/pull dynamic)
9 you crave experiencing strong emotions (love/hate) in your relationships and can’t tolerate neutral or conflicting emotions
10 you’re an idealist, and you consciously or unconsciously seek to be with perfect people and in “perfect” relationships
11 in fights, you tend to perceive yourself as the “victim” and your partner as the wrongdoer
How you can decrease splitting and replace it with healthier forms of behavior, such as self-awareness
1 identify your emotional triggers-pay attention to the words, actions, tones, or situations that trigger emotional reactions such as outbursts of anger, resentment, finger-pointing, etc, from you, write these down and look for patterns
2 tune into your bodily symptoms-how does your body feel when you are triggered? incorporate mindfulness, and/or meditation to your daily routine
3 interrupt your reactions by staying grounded- once you become self-aware of your triggers and physical reactions, the next step is to learn how to respond in a healthier way, rewiring this deeply embedded defense mechanism takes time and practice, stay two steps ahead of your responses and reactions, breathe, or remove yourself from the situation as soon as possible
4 train yourself to see the multi-layered nature of people-in a journal, set yourself the task each day to see all sides of people and situations, use “positive attributes”, “neutral”, and “negative attributes”, be diligent and self-disciplined about this process, the more you do it, the more you will come to see and appreciate the full, authentic, and multi-faceted nature of the people around you
5 be honest, willing, and open to prove yourself wrong-courage and the willingness to be honest, open, and wrong, don’t let your ego get in the way, look for opportunities to be proven wrong, be willing to be wrong about how you feel
6 look more deeply into the situation-after arguments with your partner, try to look more deeply into the situation, look beyond your feelings and the immediate surface of the situation will help you to gain a deeper perspective
7 refuse to discuss things that trigger you until you feel mentally prepared
8 explore your projections-what insecurities are you projecting onto your partner?
9 keep affirming that it is okay to have flaws, it is okay to not agree all the time, it is okay (and normal) to be a mixture of good, bad, and neutral traits
How do you guys think these strategies will work?
The BPD Group 