1 Painful event causes emotional response-one of the best traits of a person with Borderline is their ability to immediately know when they are hurting, sometimes in an effort to release the emotions, there is little thought given to the appropriate time or place
2 Others resist-others might sense the inappropriateness of the emotional reaction and in an effort to quiet things they make dismissive remarks, they believe they are helping the situation but in reality they are fueling a more intense response
3 Fears are ignited-unacknowledged hurt results in fears of abandonment and rejection for the person with Borderline, the conclusion they reach is that the other person must not want to have a relationship with them or they would make a greater effort to share in their hurt, this feeling is even more intense if there is evidence of abandonment or rejection from past relationships, with their fight response fully engaged, it is not unusual for a person with Borderline to make threatening statements of self-harm, be verbally cutting towards the person, or become physically aggressive, this is still an effort to adequately express how they are feeling
4 Others become confused-shocked by the escalating response, others look like a deer caught in headlights, there are three ways they normally respond, one is to come out fighting and attempt to one up the assaults, which usually ends in disaster, the other is to logically explain why the person with Borderline is overreacting which does nothing to calm the emotion and only creates more distance, the last is to withdraw physically or emotionally which further reinforces the fears of the person with Borderline, once again, things can stop at this stage by speaking directly to the fears or hurt and ignoring the rest of the insulting remarks, this would end the cycle
5 Self-harm and dissociation-fully believing the relationship has ended, the person with Borderline feels rejected or abandoned yet again. they are flooded with other feelings of self-hate, intense anxiety, immediate depression, and anger towards anyone and everyone, this often leads to self-harming behaviors such as cutting, overdosing on medication, getting drunk, spending money, seeking out sexual relations, binge-eating, or risk-taking behaviors, engaging in these behaviors gives only a momentary sense of relief, but when the reality of the actions sinks in, a person with Borderline will dissociate in an effort to self-regulate their extreme emotional response, this is a self-protection device which allows the person with Borderline to detach emotionally from themselves and others, frequently they will say things didn’t happen that did and be extremely believable because they truly don’t remember. this is not intentional deception like other personality disorders because they literally don’t recall
6 Repeat the cycle with another painful event-the response of others to the dissociation can lead straight into another painful event and thus reignites the cycle for yet another downward spiral, OR the whole episode can stop here if no further mention of it is made
-it is so ironic that those who don’t actively work at stopping the cycle in the manner described above are actually enabling the pattern to continue
-Feel free to comment about this here or on my facebook page
The BPD Group 