Fear of Abandonment

-Fear of abandonment is the overwhelming worry that people close to you will leave

–I have felt this so many times. It’s overwhelming and torturing. You feel you must do whatever it takes to make this feeling go away and keep the person close to you

-Fear of abandonment can be deeply rooted in a traumatic experience you had as a child

-I do not know what happened to me when I was a child, but my mother abused me while I was a child, so I believe I have had my fair share of traumatic experiences

-There are three types of fear of abandonment

1 fear of emotional abandonment

2 fear of abandonment in children

3 abandonment anxiety in relationships

-I believe I suffer from both fear of emotional abandonment and abandonment anxiety in relationships

-Symptoms of fear of abandonment

-overly sensitive to criticism

-difficulty trusting others

-difficulty making friends unless you can be sure they like you

-taking extreme measures to avoid rejection or separation

-pattern of unhealthy relationships

-getting attached to people too quickly

-then moving on just as quickly

-difficulty committing to a relationship

-working too hard to please the other person

-blaming yourself when things don’t work out

-staying in a relationship even if it’s not healthy for you

-I definitely become very overly sensitive to criticism, I have a very hard time trusting others, and it becomes obvious to them, I do take extreme measures to avoid rejection, though those efforts often end in getting rejected anyway, I have a pattern of unstable relationships, throughout my whole life, I always work too hard to please the other person, I tell them I will do anything for them, and I will

-Long-term effects of fear of abandonment

-difficult relationships with peers and romantic partners

-low self-esteem

-trust issues

-anger issues

-mood swings

-codependency

-fear of intimacy

-anxiety disorders

-panic disorders

-depression

-I feel that the long-term effects are very true and very possible. There’s definitely difficulty with relationships, your self-esteem suffers, trust issues are almost a given, you have anger issues with many people, your moods swing widely, and quickly, you could easily fall into a codependent relationship, and anxiety disorders are a real problem

-Healing abandonment issues

-stop the harsh self-judgement

-remind you of all the positive qualities that make you a good partner

-talk to the other person about your fear

-but don’t expect more of them than is reasonable

-therapy

-work on maintaining friendships and building your support network

-strong friendships can boost your self-worth and sense of belonging

-It’s so hard to stop that self-judgement, it’s so ingrained in you, making a list of your positive qualities is a good idea, talking to the other person about your fear can be risky, they may invalidate your feelings instead of choosing to understand, therapy is always good to do, it’s nice to have a strong support network so you have some help

-How to help someone with abandonment issues

-whether it makes sense to you or not, understand that the fear is real to them

-assure them that you won’t abandon them

-ask what you can do to help

-I know it’s not easy to do, but if you could at least try to understand that the fear is real and terrifying to us, it does feel really good when someone assures you that they won’t abandon you, but I’ve found that a lot of guys won’t make this promise, and that just adds to our questioning and worrying, asking what you can do to help would be nice, but most guys are too selfish and on their high horse to do this

-How to get over the pain of abandonment

-What not to do-

-having unrealistic expectations toward your partner

-wanting too much too soon

-overreact and over-need, which makes you feel less about yourself and your partner less about you

-trying to squelch the feelings

-trying to manipulate your partner into doing things to make you feel more secure

-trying to disguise your emotional suction cups as coyness or anger

-twisting yourself into a pretzel to hide your panic

-making your partner feel emotionally responsible toward you

-loathing yourself when you sense that your insecurity is driving your partner away

-it’s hard to not have expectations of your partner, but they call them unrealistic and blame you and your borderline for everything, you fall in love and you want love to be love and all that it encompasses, if you try to squelch your feelings they will still end up coming out, if you twist yourself into a pretzel to hide your panic it only hurts yourself, you’re already hard enough on yourself, same with loathing yourself, you already do that enough

-What to do-

-stop beating yourself up

-fear of abandonment is involuntary, you didn’t cause this, accept this fear as part of being human

-give yourself unconditional self-love

-take 100% responsibility for yourself

-vow to use abandonment fear as an opportunity to develop emotional self-reliance

-it’s hard to stop beating yourself up, everybody always tells you how horrible you are, so you may as well just stop trying and keep beating yourself up

All in all, people will never be able to understand what you are going through, so just let them think what they want, that you’re unable to heal, that you’re horrible and they’re up on their high horse looking down their nose at you. But you know the truth, you can heal and get better and then those same people that gaslighted you will regret abandoning you