I fall in love quickly, maybe too quickly? I’m not sure. But I just know. I really do love the person. They really do mean everything to me. I really would do anything for them. This is the good part. I love falling in love. I love being in love. I love cuddling with the person and looking at them like they’re your everything, that they are that special person that will think you are special and not worthless. They will be that person that will stand by you no matter what. But then something happens…
You go from idolizing the person to watching them, always on the lookout for slights. And then when you happen upon those slights, you become upset and irritated. Like why would he do this to me? I really must be worthless. And the more bad things you find, the more you begin to devalue the person. And the more you begin to devalue yourself. In the same way that you are now looking at your partner and hating them when they “hurt” you, you are also hating yourself, feeling shame about yourself when you make problems.
Once you start to feel like you are or are about to be rejected or abandoned, you begin to lash out. You may yell or cry, you may reject the other person before they can reject you, and at the same time feeling immense guilt and sadness, start to think about your worthlessness and how everybody would be better off without you.
Then they abandon you. They make you feel bad about yourself, you feel worthless. They say it’s because of your BPD. They invalidate your feelings and reject you in the meanest way possible. You continue spiraling down. You start to do bad things in a search for some kind of revenge for how you are feeling. In the moment, you feel good. But it’s after that really sucks. You then feel guilty. And shameful. You do feel bad about the things you are doing. But you somehow continue doing them. And everytime your partner reaches out to you, positively or negatively, you feel a weird sense of success.
You know in your heart that you loved that other person, more than you loved yourself. You know you would’ve done anything for them. So why did you do things that threatened that? Why did they? Yes, BPD does interfere with relationships, but the other person chooses how to react to the BPD person’s behaviors-they could react positively but choose to react negatively, making you feel thrown away and worthless. It isn’t just one side that ruined the relationship, fault can be assigned to both parties. But most likely, one or both of the people may feel that they are the “winner”. Probably the person with BPD switches between feeling like the winner and feeling like the loser.
After the relationship is “over”, both parties will alternately feel sadness and anger. And this will go on for a while. What really makes it hard is when you KNOW the relationship is not truly over, like you know that you and this person were meant to be together forever no matter what. You will feel both ups and downs as you both continue to contact the other. There will be good days and there will be bad days. Sometimes you will feel used, sometimes you will like it. But it will always be in your heart that this is the person you are supposed to be with, they will hold a high position in your heart. Maybe dreams do really come true?
In this kind of case, there is no ending. The saga continues. Will they end up together? Will they not? Will they stay friends? It’s not only up to the person with BPD to make compromises and changes, but it is also up to the partner to make some small changes too. It may take a year or two for the BPD person to heal and be better, but the other person will know that it’s worth it, and that the two of them really were soulmates. And they will build a life together that’s both loving and trusting.
The BPD Group 