Maybe healing from Borderline is easier than we think.

I have a theory I myself am going to try, and I will post the results as I go along.

First I’ll explain it. It’s pretty simple.

1 Think positively-read positive quotes, write positive quotes, write gratefulness lists, write positive things about yourself, use positive affirmations

2 Have specific goals-set SMART goals for yourself. Specific, measurable, attainable, relevant, and time-based. Set small goals and set larger goals. Study your progress in attaining these goals

3 Journal-journal everyday, write down all your thoughts and feelings, go back over it later, or don’t. Just getting those thoughts out will help process them.

Maybe it’s as simple as this, maybe this will help us change the paths in our brain that cause us so much trouble.

Maybe we don’t need a complicated, drawn out program to get better.

-BPD relationships are chaotic, intense, and conflict-laden

but why? why does there always have to be chaos? who’s fault is it? i think it is the non-BPD partner. the non-BPD partners would say it’s the person with BPD’s fault. but most likely, it’s a combination of the two. it’s intense because people with BPD are intense. And the intensity doubles if both partners have a mental illness. and why all the conflict? both partners disagree, then it becomes more intense, then it becomes a real problem, then the BPD partner starts to feel like they’re going to be abandoned, then they get abandoned. this happens over and over.

-People with BPD are often terrified that others will leave them

of course we are terrified. people leave us all the time. somebody left us when we were two years old, they abandoned us. we are so intensely scared that we will be abandoned, that we will do whatever it takes to stop that from happening. but once it happens, and abandonment is for real, we will do anything we can, whatever it takes to hurt that other person. and even though we do this, that person will continue to come back to us, and the cycle repeats.

-Abandonment sensitivity

this fear of abandonment can lead those with BPD to be constantly watching for signs that someone may leave them, and to interpret even a minor event as a sign that abandonment is imminent. we are hyper-vigilant, we see signs that others cannot see. one little thing can happen and you just know that they’re going to abandon you. one little thing can send you on a spiral downward. and the person will abandon you, you just know it. and it does happen. then you get angry, then you get revenge, then you get sad, then you feel guilty, then that turns into feeling suicidal. all because some loser decides to hurt you?

-the emotions may result in frantic efforts to avoid abandonment, such as pleading, public scenes, and even physically preventing the other person from leaving

i’m sure we’ve all done this. you see the signs of abandonment coming, you feel terrified by it, you start pleading with the other person to not leave you. which makes them want to leave you more. unless you get lucky and find somebody with actual compassion and empathy, who will not leave you and instead will choose to understand you.

-Impulsive sexuality is another classic symptom of BPD, and many people with BPD struggle with their sexuality

sometimes we act out sexually. sometimes we feel so impulsive and we want the feeling to end so badly, that we will do anything, even do impulsive sexual things, like have an affair, cheat on somebody, or engage in dumb things we know we shouldn’t be. but usually, the non-BPD person likes how sexual the person with BPD is. but suddenly, they get nervous that you are so sexual and they worry that you’re going to cheat on them, even though you’re worried that they’re going to cheat on you. suddenly they don’t like how sexual you are, and they use that against you. The non-BPD person will use whatever they can against you, they’ll use anything. they’ll gaslight you all day long, and then cry when someone else does it to them

-Research has confirmed that people with BPD tend to have very stormy romantic relationships characterized by a great deal of tumult and dysfunction

but who in the relationship is causing the dysfunction? people always assume that it’s the person with BPD. but what if it’s not? what if it’s the “normal” person in the relationship. if people with BPD have dysfunctional relationships, then so do the people they’re with. how do these research studies know about how the non-BPD person is acting in the relationship? maybe they’re an emotional abuser, maybe they’re a liar, or maybe they’re constantly gaslighting the person with BPD. these studies don’t include this information. which makes them all inconclusive. they need to do research that includes this very important information

Nobody understands Borderline. It’s even hard for us with BPD to understand. And the people without Borderline will never understand, no matter how much they try, no matter how much research they do, no matter if they love the person with BPD or not, they just don’t have the capacity to understand.

Let’s take this symptom by symptom.

1 We have a intense fear of abandonment-we feel terrified of being abandoned, triggers can prompt frantic efforts to keep the other close. You may beg and cling, but these kinds of efforts usually drive others away. People without BPD have no idea what this feels like. It is pure suffering to us. To them, it’s nothing. Which makes it even worse for us. We can’t handle being left alone by the people we love. We weren’t taught this. It is called object constancy. At around age 2 or 3, our caregivers left us alone and didn’t come back. We were essentially abandoned, and we keep reliving this horror throughout our life. People with normal object constancy don’t understand our fret, because they were loved and taken care of during that stage in their life, so there is just no way they would understand.

2 Unstable relationships-people with BPD tend to have relationships that are intense and short-lived. We may fall in love quickly, believing that the person we are with will be “the one”, only you are quickly disappointed, as your s.o. dosen’t feel the same way about you. The people without BPD don’t understand this phenomenon. They may think you fall in love slowly or that you can’t know “the one” until years have gone by. Us, as people with BPD, are aware that we have rapid changes in the way we feel, from idealization to devaluation. We absolutely love our partner in the beginning, then the cracks start forming, they don’t remember a special day, they don’t text you back for five hours. And as those cracks grow bigger, so does the devaluation. Suddenly that person you thought was so perfect turned out to be the most horrible kind of person for you, and usually they’re mean and insulting. But they don’t think they’re being mean, they think they’re being smart and helping you. How does someone without BPD help someone with BPD? It’s simply not possible.

3 Unclear or shifting self-image-when you have BPD your sense of self is typically unstable. You probably don’t have a clear idea of who you are and what you want in life. People without Borderline definitely don’t understand this. They have clear boundaries and set values. People with BPD don’t know how to set boundaries, they don’t have set values. We don’t know what this is. We are considered a chameleon personality, we are able to switch personalities depending on who we’re with or what situation we’re in. I really don’t think that people without BPD even know about this, less understand it. But we with BPD struggle with this question all the time, who are we? We don’t know. Ask someone without BPD and they will know exactly what they want to be.

4 Impulsive, self-destructive behaviors-We as people with BPD may engage in harmful, sensation-seeking behaviors, especially when you’re upset. You may spend money, drive recklessly, shoplift, engage in risky sex, gamble, or overdue it with drugs or alcohol. What we understand is that in those moments of the above behaviors, we may feel better for the moment, but in the long-run they hurt you and you around you. People without BPD just don’t understand how we can turn to these behaviors, because their rational mind is telling them that there will be consequences, and those with Borderline can’t think rationally in the moment, it’s just not possible. What the people without BPD do not understand is the intense guilt and shame we feel after an incident. It’s like a bad cycle.

5 Self-harm-Suicidal behavior and deliberate self-harm is common in people with BPD, with 75% attempting to do it. Suicidal behavior includes thinking about suicide, making suicidal gestures or threats, or actually carrying out a suicide attempt, whereas self-harm encompasses all other attempts to hurt yourself without suicidal intent. People without BPD can have no idea what we are feeling. And it seems they don’t care, because soon they will not take your suicidal behaviors seriously, even thought any attempt should be taken seriously. These people could care less about you. Think about it, you are suffering in your head constantly and you just want some relief from the pain. But you get no relief. Because they sometimes will stop you from performing these actions. And sometimes they won’t care at all

6 Extreme emotional swings-people with BPD can switch their emotions quickly, one moment they might feel happy, and the next angry. What people without BPD don’t understand is what happens between a trigger and the appearance of an emotion.First a trigger must occur, say your significant other gaslights you for having BPD. In that very second, we go through a series of feelings and thoughts, like anger, sadness, disbelief, rage, self-harm, needing to something impulsive, guilt, shame, and suicide. We think those things so quickly that we cannot rationally think any other way, because of that trigger, our brains are stuck in the rut we have always known, and despise. In this case, the s.o. probably starts to blame you, instead of recognizing that we, as human people, are allowed to have feelings beyond our Borderline.

7 Chronic feelings of emptiness-People with BPD often talk about feeling empty. At the extreme they may feel as if they’re “nothing” or “nobody”. This feeling is so extremely uncomfortable that you will do almost anything to fix it, like filling the void with things like drugs, food, or sex. But none of these things will truly satisfy you. I call BPD “constant suffering”, and this feeling of emptiness certainly compounds that suffering, and makes it nearly unbearable to live each day. People without BPD have no idea what this feels like, they only see the aftermath, like impulsive spending to suicide. How many people do you know that could handle constant suffering, everyday?

8 Explosive Anger-If you have BPD, you may struggle with intense anger. You may also have trouble controlling yourself once the fuse is lit. This could be anger directed outward, but is more likely inward anger. There are many instances when anger will come into play, and the worse the trigger is, the worse the anger will be. I think if anybody without BPD could understand what we go through, they may be able to a tiny inkling of this

9 Feeling suspicious or out of touch with reality-people with BPD often struggle with paranoia or suspicious thoughts about other’s motives. When under stress, you may even lose touch with reality-an experience known as dissociation, you may feel foggy, spaced out, or as if you’re outside your body. Most people without BPD have probably never experienced dissociation, so they have no idea the paranoia, fear, stress, and anger. It’s these strong emotions that cause us to dissociate

(helps you decide if your thoughts are rational or if you are having distorted thinking)

1-Situation-describe the situation, who, what, why, where, when

2-My Thoughts-describe what you are thinking while the situation is occuring

3-My Feelings-describe what you are feeling while the situation is occuring

4-Where the Feelings are Coming From-describe where your feelings are coming from, if you are aware

5-How I Usually Respond-describe how you would normally respond the situation or a similar situation

6-The Better Way to Respond-describe a better, more rational way to respond to the situation

7-How You get There-the process you will use to determine if your thoughts are rational or if you’re having distorted thinking, also a way to get from how you usually respond to the better way to respond

8-The Results-the decisions on whether your thinking has been determined to be rational or distorted thinking

9-More Results-results continued

10-Practice-practice this technique often

Example

1-Situation-I am at home. I am talking to my boyfriend on the phone. He says something that upsets me

2-My Thoughts-he’s going to cheat on me, he’s going to abandon me, I’m worthless, who the hell does he think he is, he better not cheat on me, maybe I should just kill myself, it’s hopeless

3-My Feelings-upset, hurt, jealous, angry, hopeless, and feel worthless

4-Where the Feelings are Coming From-fear of abandonment

5- How I Usually Respond-I get upset, I accuse, I cry, I ruminate,I sound angry, I sound needy and desperate

6-The Better Way to Respond-stay calm, say nothing about it, you don’t need to respond at all

7-How You get There-

-instead of letting your emotions respond for you, cover your mouth so you don’t say anything, wait at least 6 seconds until your rational mind catches up to your emotional mind

-think about the thoughts you are having-are they logical? are they true? am I making assumptions about them? are they real or imagined? is it something I can fix right now?

-based on your answers to the questions, decide if your thoughts are rational or if you are having distorted thinking. base it on facts, data, and reality

8-The Results-if your thoughts are rational, communicate effectively with my boyfriend about your concerns, staying calm, remember that even though you are upset, the only person you can control is yourself, try to work together to come up with a compromise that works for both of you

9-More results-if you are having distorted thinking, you need to realize that since your mind is playing tricks on you, it would probably be a good idea to not mention it to my boyfriend. stay calm. breather. say nothing. he won’t even be aware that anything has happened

10-Practice-practice this technique often

Why do we get the way we get? All we do is push the people away that we love.

Why do we even bother?

Is it even worth it to try?

Or will we eventually ruin it with them anyway?

Is a relationship even possible when you have Borderline?

You know it’s not going to work, you know it’s not going to last, you know you’re just going to get your heart broken. Why bother? Why are we asking ourselves to get hurt?

We want true love. We will go to any lengths to have it and keep it. We want our soulmate. We want that fairy tale, that unconditional love. Is it possible? Is it? I don’t know. Sometimes it feels hopeless. Like you just know it’s going to end badly, but you hold on so hard anyway. Even though it feels hopeless, somehow you still have hope. You can’t let go of that tiny bit of hope. You think this time will be different, you think you can handle it, you think you can stop the Borderline things before they cause any excess damage. But can you? Can you stop the distorted thinking? Can you somehow realize that your brain is playing tricks on you? And how do you stop your brain from doing this?

They say do DBT, learn to use your wise mind. I believe I am very self-aware before a Borderline episode, as well as after. But in the midst of it, those rational things don’t even enter your mind, you do things impulsively, your thoughts are racing, your heart is pounding, your emotions are out of control, and you just can’t stop it. What are you to do when rationality gets thrown out the window and your emotions are controlling you? How do you stop these emotions from even starting in the first place?

Maybe there’s a way. First you need to be able to realize when you are beginning to have distorted thinking or starting to get out of control. Next you need to find a way to stop this mode of thinking. Perhaps having a sheet of paper hanging on the wall where you will see it all the time, and fill it with coping techniques for when you are in a crisis. That way you can access the list easily. You could even keep a copy of it on you at all times, so you are able to use it anywhere you need it. I know that when you are in an emotional crisis, the first thing you do is NOT to think of looking at a list. It happens much faster than that. Bam. Distorted thinking. Bam. Hopelessness and worthlessness kick in. Bam. You do things impulsively. Bam. Suicidal behaviors. Bam. You feel guilt and shame. This could all happen within a matter of seconds or minutes. But maybe, just maybe, if your eyeline happens to cross the path of a helpful list you made, it could slow down or stop your mode of thinking.

I am trying to do this right now. It is not easy. It seems that once my Borderline things begin, it’s a flurry of emotions and racing thoughts, along with a deep sense of hopelessness and worthlessness, followed closely by the shame and guilt that always come.

To stop all of that can be a daunting task. At first you may think it’s impossible, that you’re doomed to either keep getting abandoned your whole life, or you are simply destined to be alone forever. Both of these outcomes cause you to feel anxiety, hopelessness, worthlessness, dread, and shame.

The difference is that if you choose to take the chance of being/not being abandoned your whole life, you are still holding on to hope. If you choose to be alone for the rest of your life, you have given up on hope.

Which of these two situations causes less pain and suffering? If you choose to give it a try, and still have hope, you run the risk of being abandoned constantly, which hurts beyond belief and puts you at risk of self-harm, suicidal behaviors, and other impulsive things. If you choose to stay alone, you may struggle with being lonely and having high anxiety because of that. So how do you choose? What are the pros and cons of each decision?

To take the risk of being abandoned, some pros are love, or the chance of love, support from your partner, taking a chance to make the fairy tale come true, and hope of unconditional love. Some cons are running the risk of being abandoned, hurt, or rejected, risk losing that love, you are constantly hypervigilant, you are fearful that whenever you and your partner have a disagreement that they will leave you, you struggle with feelings of worthlessness, helplessness, and hopelessness, when you make a mistake with your partner and they get mad at you and the extreme guilt and shame that comes with that.

To spend the rest of your life alone, some pros are that you don’t need to worry about being abandoned, less feelings of worthlessness, helplessness, and hopelessness, you are less fearful and you don’t need to worry about being rejected. Some cons are the fact that you could get very lonely, you could possibly revert back to being hopeful about being in a relationship which will cause you pain, suffering, and fear, along with hopelessness and helplessness.

So how do you choose?

I guess it depends on what your heart wants the most.

-Reduce shame and self-criticism-I am enough, I’m flawed and I make mistakes and that’s okay, I don’t need to perfect, I accept myself, everybody has struggles and makes mistakes, I’m like everyone else, I am completely lovable just as I am, I don’t need others to validate my self-worth, I don’t need to please everyone all the time, I know in my heart that I’m enough, my struggles and imperfections don’t define me, I will continue to change and grow from a place of self-acceptance, I will offer myself love and compassion, I am completely lovable just as I am today, I am enough

-Boundaries-my thoughts are allowed to be different than others thoughts, it is totally fine if other people are annoyed, uncomfortable, or angry, it is totally normal not to agree with everybody all the time, it is healthy to do things on my own and try new things without needing others to tag along, it is no one’s job to agree with me all the time or to cater to my emotions, I am responsible for knowing what makes me happy, it is totally fine to feel sad, anxious, angry, and overwhelmed sometimes

-SOS negative self-talk stopping technique-stop-mentally tell yourself stop to give you the opportunity to address the thought and interrupt the cycle, observe-observe what you are saying to yourself and how it is making you feel, shift-shift your cognitive, emotional, or behavioral response by using positive coping skills and techniques

-I couldn’t trust my own emotions, which emotional reactions were justified, if any, and which ones were tainted by BPD. I found myself fiercly guarding and limiting my emotional reactions, chastising myself for possible distortions and motivations

-people with BPD often look to others to provide things they find difficult to supply for themselves, such as self-esteem, approval, and a sense of identity

-BPD myth-people with borderline don’t care about others, fact-we care so much it makes us crazy

-I will not stress out over things I cannot control, I cannot control anything but myself

-Stop looking for happiness in the same place you lost it

-I’m sorry I have trust issues, but when you give someone everything and they toss it away like it’s nothing, something inside of you breaks

Positive traits of people with BPD-passionate, empathetic, creative, artistic, witty, intuitive, resilient, intelligent, spontaneous, devoted, receptive, loyal, inquisitive, benevolent, clever, engaging, brave, vivacious, intense, adaptable, charismatic, determined

-what’s the most important thing you’ve done this year? survived

-sometimes when things are falling apart they may actually be falling into place

-life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it

-being a person with borderline feels like eternal hell, nothing less, pain, anger, confusion, hurt, never knowing how I’m gonna feel from one minute to the next, hurting because I hurt those who I love, feeling misunderstood, analyzing everything, nothing gives me pleasure, once in a great while I will get too happy and then get anxious because of that, then I self-medicate, then I physically hurt myself, then I feel guilty because of that. shame

-don’t be ashamed of your story, it will inspire others

-the five w’s of life-who you are is what makes you special, do not change for anyone, what lies ahead will always be a mystery, do not be afraid to explore, when life pushes you over, you push back harder, where there are choices to make, make the one you won’t regret, why things happen will never be certain, take it in stride and move forward

-one of the hardest lessons in life is letting go, whether it’s guilt, anger, love, loss, or betrayal, change is never easy, we fight to hold on and we fight to let go

-it hurts so bad when you have a fear of abandonment caused by a mental disorder, but it’s the same disorder that causes people to walk out of your life

-it was what it was, it is what it is, it will be what it will be, you may not be able to control every situation, but you are able to control how it affects you, nothing is worth sacrificing your peace of mind

-sometimes I’m terrified of my heart, of it’s constant hunger for whatever it is it wants, the way it stops and starts

-it occured to me that many people are actually afraid to heal because their entire identity is centered around the trauma they’ve experienced, they have no idea who they are outside of trauma and that unknown can be terrifying

-you were given this life because you are strong enough to live it

-if I can survive the war within myself, I can survive anything

-recovery is a process, it takes time, it takes patience, it takes everything you’ve got

-she was too quiet or she was too loud, she hated with every fiber of her being or loved with every piece of her heart, there was no in-between, it was either all or nothing

-she didn’t know who would leave or stay, so she pushed them all away

-simply being more aware of your triggers can be beneficial, as a result of this increased awareness, your emotional reactions may begin to feel more understandable, and less out of control, this can definitely positively impact your mood and overall well-being

-we can overcome the oppressive symptoms of BPD and build lives worth living

-one second I am perfectly fine and the next it’s like a volcano erupts inside me, leaving me miserable

-I am meant to use my voice to fight the stereotypes and stigma surrounding mental illness

-my fear of abandonment causes me to be impulsive and reckless, the greater the fear, the worse my behavior, and the least I recognize it

-right now I’m stuck somewhere between what if, what might, what could have, and what never will, and all I want to know is what actually is

-what people with borderline would like from loved ones-listen to us but try not to judge, educate yourselves on the condition, love and affection, stability, reassurance, be clear and honest with us, know that we do love you and that we are grateful to you for your love and support, understand that we need alone time, try not to take things said to heart when we are upset or angry, we don’t mean to them but lack the skills to express our emotions in a more controlled way

-those who suffer from mental illness are stronger than you think, we must fight to go to work, care for our families, be there for our friends, and act “normal” while battling unimaginable pain

My own fear of abandonment has ruined relationships, caused me to have suicidal behaviors, made me spend hours upon hours having intrusive thoughts, made me clingy and needy, and much more.

My boyfriend and I are in a long-distance relationship (I know what you’re going to say…), he lives in Tennessee and I live in Wisconsin. It is such a challenge, especially for someone with Borderline, who has very strong abandonment issues and absolutely no object constancy. Our latest problem began when I became jealous and distrustful after he went to attend a seminar in another state. And the next three weeks after that, I became more and more fearful of being abandoned, I had more “flare-ups” of emotions, I wrote in a journal about how he was going to abandon me and how it would be better if I were just dead, or if I could stop myself from texting first, if I could do anything to stop what I knew was coming.

And then it came. He abandoned me.

I was livid when I read his email. It said “don’t ever contact me again”. DON’T EVER CONTACT ME AGAIN. I read it and reread it. I felt sick. I texted him. No response. I texted him again. No response over and over. I felt dead. Now, I don’t remember everything that happened next. But I think it was something like the following…

I wanted to die. I knew I had 60 ativan waiting for me in my drawer. I started taking them. I kept texting. NO RESPONSE. So I took more. I don’t know how many I took. I just wanted to not be there anymore, I just wanted to not feel. I took more. I must have passed out.

The next day I didn’t wake up until early evening. I immediately felt extreme panic and anxiety. I tried texting him again. My anxiety only grew as the minutes and hours went on. I didn’t care that I missed work that day. That never even entered my head. All I could think of was how I couldn’t take it anymore. The heart and the mind can only take so much. And I was done.

I knew he didn’t care about me anymore. I knew it wouldn’t matter if I was dead or alive. I was angry, I was sad, I was hurt. I went to work the next day in a daze. My manager and my district manager were there waiting for me. They asked me why I missed work the day before. And in that moment, I felt like somebody cared. I cried and told them everything. They were kind and understanding. They helped me to call for help, they went with me to the psych hospital. I knew I had to go to the hospital. I wanted help…

If you would like to send me your own stories of object constancy or abandonment, please feel free to. Send to kosteckiamber@gmail.com

-the fear of abandonment could show up as a lingering feeling of insecurity, intrusive thoughts, emptiness, unstable sense of self, clinginess, neediness, extreme mood fluctuations, and frequent relationship conflicts, or cutting off completely and becoming emotionally numb

-if the message we were given as an infant was that the world is unsafe and that people cannot be relied upon, it would affect our ability to withstand uncertainty, disappointments, and relationship ups and downs

-object constancy originates from the concept of object permanence, a cognitive skill we acquire at around 2 to 3 years old, it is the understanding that objects continue to exist even when they cannot be seen, touched, or sensed in some way

-in adulthood, object constancy allows us to trust that our bond with those who are close to us remains whole even when they are not physically around, picking up the phone, replying to our texts, or even frustrated at us, with object constancy, absence does not mean disappearance or abandonment, only temporary distance

-the lack of object constancy is at the heart of Borderline Personality traits, for the insecurely attached individuals, any kind of distance, even brief or benign ones, trigger them to re-experience the original pain of being left alone, dismissed, or disdain, their fear could trigger coping survival modes such as denial, clinging, avoidance and dismissing others, lashing out in relationships, or the pattern of sabotaging relationships to avoid potential rejection

-without object constancy, one tends to relate to others as “parts” rather than “whole”, without the ability to see people as whole and constant, it becomes difficult to evoke the sense of presence of the loved one when they are not physically present

-the feeling of being left on their own can become so powerful and overwhelming that it evokes raw, intense, and sometimes child-like reactions, when abandonment fear is triggered, shame and self-blame closely follow, further destabilizing the anxious person’s emotions

-because the origins of these strong reactions were not always conscious, it would seem as though they were “unreasonable” or “immature”, in truth, if we think of them as acting from a place of repressed or dissociated trauma-and consider what it was like for a 2 year old to be left alone or be with an inconsistent caregiver-the intense fear, rage, and despair would ALL MAKE SENSE

-fear of abandonment is over-powering because it brings back the deep trauma that we carry from when we were a little child, BUT WE MUST ACKNOWLEDGE THAT OUR FEARS NO LONGER REFLECTS OUR CURRENT REALITY, we are adults now and have different choices

-as adults we could no longer be abandoned, we could no longer be rejected, we could no longer be engulfed or trapped-we can say no, set limits and walk away

-as a resilient adult, we learn to stay inside of our bodies even in fear, with dissociating, and we could stay in relationships with others even in the midst of uncertainty, without running away in avoidance and defenses

-rather than getting stuck in the search for the “missing piece”, we come to recognize ourselves as a whole and integrated being, the trauma of being dropped and left alone has passed, and we are given the opportunity for a new life

What are some of your own stories of object constancy? Do you have any ideas on how to fix the problem as adults?

Email me at kosteckiamber@gmail.com

Thank you!

1-Identify the Distortion

-write down your negative thoughts, this will make it easier to think about the problem in a more positive and realistic way, identify which cognitive distortion you’re involved in

2-Examine the Evidence

-instead of assuming that your negative thought is true, examine the actual evidence for it

3-The Double-standard Method

-instead of putting yourself down in a harsh, condemning way, talk to yourself in the same compassionate way you would talk to a friend with a similar problem

4-The Experimental Technique

-do an experiment to test the validity of your negative thought

5-Thinking in shades of grey

-instead of thinking about your problems in all-or-nothing extremes, evaluate things on a range of 0 to 100, when things don’t work out as well as you hoped, think about the experience as a partial success rather than a complete failure

6-The Survey Method

-ask people questions to find out if your thoughts and attitudes are realistic

7-Define Terms

-when you label yourself as something negative, ask what is the definition of the word

8-The Semantic Method

-simply substitute language that is less colorful and emotionally loaded, this method is helpful for should statements

9-Re-attribution

-instead of automatically assuming that you are “bad” and blaming yourself for a problem, think about the many factors that may have contributed to it, focus on solving the problem instead of using up all your energy blaming yourself and feeling guilty

10-Cost-benefit Analysis

-list the advantages and disadvantages of a feeling, a negative thought, or a behavior pattern

-Radical Acceptance is not about “looking on the bright side” or “staying positive”-it’s seeing exactly what is, even all the shit, and just, accepting the fact of it’s existence, and, yes, sometimes seeing the beauty in the ugliness, and the teeny tiny sparks of light in the dark.

-It’s not about defeat or avoiding change, either, but rather make the changes we’re trying to implement so much more effective, because we’re not wasting energy denying what it is, or making it out to be something it’snot.

-It’s nothing more or less than observation without judgement, allowing for a deeper and truer and more awesome observation than would otherwise be possible. Which is one of the most radical acts imaginable.

-When something bad happens to us or when something does not go our way, there are four possible responses:

1 the person tries to change the circumstances

2 the person tries to change his or her emotions toward the circumstances

3 the person continues to be miserable

4 the person accepts the circumstances

Tell yourself: I cannot control anything but myself

-Radical Acceptance has roots in ancient Buddhist philosophy. In DBT skills training it denotes the choice that can be made by those with BPD to be “willing” as opposed to “willful”

-Radical Acceptance of DBT, when practiced, helps the person with Borderline develop the core skills necessary to build emotional mastery and turnwhat has been unmanageable suffering into manageable pain

-Radical Acceptance means completely and totally accepting something from the depths of your soul, with your heart and your mind. You stop fighting reality. When you stop fighting, you suffer less.

Three blocks to Radical Acceptance:

1 I don’t want to let them off the hook-if you let go of your emotions and radically accept, then it can seem like it never happened

2 Accepting means I agree; I will never agree-Radical Acceptance does not mean you are agreeing to a situation or action, it means you are acknowledging that the event happened and is real

3 I need to be angry to protect myself-

-Radical Acceptance rests on letting go of the illusion of control and a willingness to notice and accept things as they are right now, without judging

-There are three parts to Radical Acceptance-

1 accept that reality is what it is

2 accept that the event or situation causing you pain has a cause

3 accept life can be worth living even with painful events in it