What is BPD? In a BPD Parent?

At it’s core, BPD is a pattern of overly intense emotional responses.

-One result of overly intense emotional reactions tends to be a pattern of misinterpreting situations as hurtful when they are in fact benign. The misinterpretations occur while the situation is happening, or while retelling the events later.

-They have an external locus of control, which means they tend to see their lives as out of control and their own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors as depending on external factors. They will often place blame on others for their own actions.

-There may be functioning in two quite different modes: attractive and highly competent at times alternating with periods of inappropriate anger, even raging, possibly narcissistic, and explicitly hurtful behavior, harmful to themselves and/or to others.

What else might you see in a mother-or a dad-with BPD?

-Most prominently, and particularly when a parent’s anger kicks in, demanding, critical, dominating, judgmental, or chaos-making interactions may replace cooperative communicating.

-Difficult parents, especially dads, may be labeled as abusive.

-Because the BPD parent has a core wound of abandonment, often stemming from a traumatic childhood event, they get left with arrested emotional development. This keeps the parent with BPD from interacting in age-appropriate ways, and creates a “parentified” child, meaning that the BPD parent counts on the non-BPD child to assu,e the adult role.

-People who grow up with raging, screaming, emotionally or physically abusive parents become conditioned early in life to totally obey, placate, and cater to their domineering parent, or risk emotional, or even physical injury to their own self.

-Children of mothers, or father, with BPD, should be considered a high-risk group.

-Given the high rate of family transmission with the disorder and associated features, children of parents with BPD may inherit genes predisposing them to a difficult temperament, emotional reactivity, and/or impulsivity.

-Children of BPD parents routinely become overly sensitive to the moods and needs of others, overbearing, quick to wound, and overly critical of themselves.

-They tend to feel severe anxiety, and as adults, report missing chunks of memory from their childhood.

-It’s confusing for a child with a BPD parent, because we get our reality in some ways from our parents, and if their reality is skewed, the child is always trying to figure out what is real and what is not real.

Traits of a child raised by a BPD parent (positive and negative)-

-For many children with a BPD parent, necessities like care and positive regard are commodities that appear on an unpredictable schedule-based not on the child’s schedule, but on the parent’s internal state of being.

-As a result, children with BPD parents tend to grow up mistrust of others.

-They have trouble with intimacy because they are constantly fearful that the other person will unpredictably turn on them.

-They also tend to struggle with feelings of shame.

-They may become very good at reading other people’s feelings and attempting to predict what they want, but are usually clueless to their own wants and feelings.

-They also often develop very strong feelings of guilt and personal responsibility for the actions and feelings of others.

Six issues frequently associated with BPD parenting-

1 difficulty separating relationships with their children from problems with others

2 inconsistent parenting

3 unpredictable love

4 feeling threatened by a child’s normal behavior

5 inability to love unconditionally

6 feeling threatened by a child’s feelings and opinions

Resilient traits of children raised by BPD parents-

-they adapt and are resilient in ways that exclude them from developing BPD

-if they accept the similarities with their BPD parent, but also clearly define the differences, it allows for the development of the child’s separate sense of self

-Set SMART goals

Specific-make sure your goals are not too general, specific goals are better than general goals

Measurable-when a goal is measurable, it means it has been quantified so you can objectively tell if you’ve met the goal or not

Attainable-goals must be realistic and attainable

Relevant-pick an area of your life you would like to work on, make sure it’s the area you need to work on most

Timely-a goal that can be completed in a reasonable amount of time

Goals of Treatment

-to overcome emotional problems

–to find more purpose in life

-to build better relationships

-to learn how to understand and live with yourself

-to improve physical health

-a way of acting

-a way of feeling

-a way of thinking

-a way of dealing with medical problems

-learn to accept the diagnosis

-understand their thoughts and behaviors

-manage emotions and impulses

-change the way they relate to themselves and others, especially in close relationships

-develop a stable sense of self

-regain or maintain their interests and job/study goals

DBT-Dialectical Behavior Therapy

Individual and group therapy to help you learn skills to help cope with difficult emotions. It is an evidence-based therapy, and focuses on providing therapeutic skills in four areas: Mindfulness, Distress Tolerance, Emotion Regulation, and Interpersonal Effectiveness. It is the gold standard psychological treatment for BPD.

CBT-Cognitive Behavioral Therapy

Aims to help you understand how your thoughts and beliefs might affect your feelings and behaviors.

MBT-Mentalization-Based Therapy

Aims to help you recognize and understand your and other people’s mental states, and to examine your thoughts about yourself and others.

Schema-Focused Therapy

Has shown to help change negative patterns in which people have lived with for a long time, focuses on identifying and changing specific ways of thinking.

STEPPS-Systems Training for Emotional Predictability and Problem Solving

The goal is to destigmatize the disorder by helping people understand that BPD stems from a certain biological sensitivity or disposition that meets with certain environmental factors, main idea is that people with BPD have difficulty in regulating their emotions and behaviors, but they can learn skills to do so.

CAT-Cognitive Analytic Therapy (possible treatment for BPD)

You are asked to review your childhood and look at how you have learnt to cope with different situations, you work toward changing the way you view situations and how you respond to them.

ACT-Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (possible treatment for BPD)

Based on mindfulness, you are encouraged to accept negative thoughts and emotions and to think of them as passing through, and not defining you.

Group Therapy (possible treatment for BPD)

Group of people with the same types of issues talking under the guidance of a therapist.

Interpersonal Therapy (possible treatment for BPD)

Asks you to think about and discuss your relationship with other people and how they affect your moods and emotions.

Mindfulness (possible treatment for BPD)

Focuses on the present moment rather than worrying about past or future events.

Motivational Interviewing (possible treatment for BPD)

A way of encouraging you to make changes in your life, without being judgemental or telling you what to do.

Psychodynamic Psychotherapy (possible treatment for BPD)

Can help you see your behavior patterns, defenses, and inner struggles. The idea is that once your inner struggles are brought to light, your behaviors and feelings will improve.

Supportive Psychotherapy (possible treatment for BPD)

Conversations-style therapy that aims to make you feel comfortable and less anxious, while helping you to come up with practical ways to cope with stressful situations.

Exposure Therapy (possible treatment for BPD)

A psychological treatment that was developed to help people confront their fears, psychologists create a safe environment in which to “expose” individuals to the things they fear and avoid. The exposure to the feared situations in a safe environment helps reduce fear and decrease avoidance.

Myth-BPD isn’t a valid diagnosis

Fact-BPD is a universally-accepted mental health diagnosis

Myth-Only women have BPD

Fact-Women make up the majority, but anyone can have BPD

Myth-BPD is caused by childhood trauma

Fact-Childhood trauma is a risk factor, not the single cause

Myth-People with BPD are manipulative and attention-seeking

Fact-People with BPD act in many ways, but not because they want to

Myth-Suicide threats by people with BPD aren’t serious

Fact-All suicidal threats should be taken seriously

Myth-DBT is the only therapy for BPD

Fact-DBT is just one treatment for BPD, there are actually at least five more possible treatments

Myth-People with BPD aren’t capable of love

Fact-Everyone is capable of love

Myth-People with BPD are unbearable

Fact-People with BPD can be tremendously loving and kind people

Myth-People with BPD are dangerous

Fact-People with BPD are more likely to hurt themselves than anyone else

Myth-People with BPD can’t take care of themselves

Fact-Many people with BPD have families, friends, and jobs once they learn to regulate their emotions

Myth-Children and adolescents cannot be diagnosed with BPD

Fact-They can be, but due to the belief that their personality is still forming, it is controverdsial

Myth-If you know one person with BPD, you know them all

Fact-Every person is unique, each person experiences BPD in very different ways

abusive cycle-name of the ongoing rotation between destructive and constructive behavior which is typical of many dysfunctional relationships and families

alienation-act of cutting off or interfering with an individuals relationships with others”always” and “never” statements-declarations containing the words always or never, they are commonly used but rarely true

anger-often feel a sense of unresolved anger and a heightened perception that they have been wronged, invalidated, neglected, or abused

baiting-a provocative act used to solicitate an angry aggressive, or emotional response from another

blaming-the practice of identifying a persons responsibility for creating a bad situation

bullying-any systematic action of hurting a person from a position of relative physical, social, economic, or emotional strength

catastrophizing-automatically assuming a worst case scenario and innappropriately characterizing minor or moderate problems or issues as catastrophic events

chaos manufacture-unnecessarily creating or maintaining an environment of risk, destruction, confusion, or mess

cheating-sharing a romantic or intimate relationship with somebody when you are already committed to a monogamous relationship with someone else

chronic broken promises-repeatedly making and then breaking commitments and promises is a common trait of people who suffer from personality disorders

circular conversations-arguments which go on almost endlessly, repeatingb the same patterns with no resolution

confirmation bias-tendency to pay more attention to things

“control-me” syndrome-describes a tendency which some people have to foster relationships with people who have controlling, narcissistic , anti-social, or “acting-out” nature

denial-believing or imagining that some painful or traumatic circumstance, event, or memory does not exist or did not happen

dependency-inappropriate and chronic reliance by an adult or another individual for their health, subsistence, decision-making, or personal or emotional well-being

depression-people who suffer from personality disorders are often also diagnosed with symptoms of depression

dissociation-describes a mental departure from reality

emotional abuse-pattern of behavior directed at one individual by another which promotes in them a destructive sense of fear, obligation, or guilt (FOG)

emotional blackmail-system of threats and punishments used in an attempt to control someone’s behavior

engulfment-unhealthy and overwhelming level of attention and dependency on another person, which comes from imagining or believing one exists only within the context of that relationship

false accusations-patterns of unwarranted or exaggerated criticism directed toward someone else

favoritism/scapegoating-systematically giving a dysfunctional amount of preferential positive or negative treatment to one individual among a family or group of fears

fear of abandonment-an irrational fear that one is in imminent danger of being personally rejected, discarded, or replaced

feelings of emptiness-an acute, chronic sense that daily life has little worth of significance, leading to an impulsive appetite for strong physical sensations and dramatic relationship experiences

gaslighting-practice of brainwashing or convincing of a mentally healthy individual that they are going insane

harassment-any sustained or chronic pattern of unwelcome behavior by one individual by another

hysteria-an inappropriate overreaction to bad news, which diverts attention away from the real problem and towards the person having the reaction

identity disturbance-describes a distorted or inconsistent self-view

imposed isolation-when abuse results in a person becoming isolated from their support network, including friends and family

impulsiveness-tendency to act or speak based on current feelings rather than logical reasoning

infantilization-treating a child as if they were much younger than their actual age

intimidation-any form of veiled, hidden, indirect, or non-verbal threat

invalidation-creation or promotion of an environment which encourages an individual to believe their thoughts, beliefs, values, or physical presence are inferior, flawed, problematic, or worthless

lack of conscience-often preoccupied with their own agendas, sometimes to the exclusion of the needs and concerns of others

lack of object constancy-inability to remember that people or objects are consistent, trustworthy, or reliable, especially when they are out of your immediate field of vision

low self-esteem-a common name for a negatively distorted self-view which is inconsistent with reality

manipulation-practice of steering an individual into a desired behavior for the purpose of achieving a hidden personal agenda

masking-covering up one’s own natural outward appearance, mannerisms, and speech in dramatic and inconsistent ways depending on the situation

mirroring-imitating or copying another persons characteristics, behaviors, or traits, also known as chameleon disorder

moments of clarity-spontaneous periods when a person with a personality disorder becomes more objective and tries to make amends

mood swings-unpredictable, rapid, dramatic emotional cycles which cannot be readily explained by changes in external circumstances

Munchausen’s and Munchausen by proxy syndrome-an individual repeatedly fakes or exaggerates medical symptoms in order to manipulate the attentions of medical professionals or caregivers

name-calling-use of profane, derogatory, or dehumanizing terminology to describe another individual or group

neglect-passive form of abuse in which the physical or emotional needs of a dependent are disregarded or ignored by the person responsible for them”not my fault” syndrome-practice of avoiding personal responsibility for one’s own words and actions

objectification-practice of treating a person or group of people like an object

obsessive-compulsive behavior-an inflexible adherence to arbitrary rules and systems, or an illogical adherence to cleanliness and orderly structure

panic attacks-short, intense episodes of fear or anxiety, often accompanied by physical symptoms, such as hyperventilating, shaking, sweating, and chills

parental alienation syndrome-when a separated parent convinces their child that the other parent is bad, evil, or worthless

passive-aggressive behavior-expressing negative feelings in an unassertive, passive way

pathological lying-persistent deception by an individual with no regard to the needs and concerns of others, habitually lies to serve their own needs

projection-act of attributing one’s own feelings or traits to another person and imagining or believing that the other person has those same feelings or traits

proxy recruitment-a way of controlling or abusing another person by manipulating other people into unwittingly backing “doing the dirty work”push-pull-chronic pattern of sabotaging and re-establishing closeness in a relationship without appropriate cause or reason

relationship hypervigilance-maintaining an unhealthy level of interest in the behaviors, comments, thoughts, and interest in others

sabotage-spontaneous disruption of calm or status quo in order to serve a personal interest, provoke a conflict, or draw attention

selective memory/selective amnesia-use of memory or lack of memory, which is selective to the point of reinforcing a bias, belief, or desired outcome

selective competence-demonstrating different levels of intelligence, memory, resourcefulness, strength, or competence depending on the situation or environment

self-harm-any form of deliberate, premeditated injury, such as cutting, poisoning, or overdosing, inflicted on one

selfself-loathing-extreme hatred of one’s own self, actions,or one’s ethnic or demographic background

self-victimization-casting oneself into the role of a victim

sense of entitlement-an unrealistic, unmerited, or inappropriate expectation of favorable living conditions and favorable treatment at the hands of others

shaming-when someone tells you that you are something bad

silent treatment-a passive-aggressive form of emotional abuse in which displeasure, disapproval, and contempt is exhibited through nonverbal gestures while maintaining verbal silence

sleep deprivation-practice of routinely interrupting, impeding, or restricting another person’s sleep cycle

splitting-practice of regarding people as either completely “good” or completely “bad”stalking-any pervasive and unwelcome pattern of pursuing contact with another individual

testing-repeatedly forcing another individual to demonstrate or prove their love or commitment to a relationship

thought policing-process of trying to question, control, or unduly influence another person’s thoughts or feelings

threats-inappropriate , intentional warnings of destructive actions or consequences

triangulation-gaining advantage over perceived rivals by manipulating them into conflicts with each other

triggering-small, insignificant, or minor actions, statements, or events that produce a dramatic or innappropriate response

tunnel vision-habit or tendency to only see or focus on a single priority while neglecting or ignoring other important priorities

verbal abuse-any kind of repeated pattern of innappropriate, derogatory, or threatening speech directed at one individual by another

-highly intuitive

-an innate talent

-emotionally intense

-sensitive

-gifted with heightened perceptivity

-empaths

-ability to very quickly and easily pick up on the emotions of others without them giving off any clues

-can relate to almost anyone they encounter

-extremely passionate

-loyal

-determined

-passion for their work

-when they love, they love hard

-try their best at everything

-very creative

-good self-awareness

-infectious excitement

-spontaneous

-compassionate

-want to help others

-good at commitment

-very loyal

-give great advice

-very resilient

-empathetic

-relentless

-adaptable

-can do anything, and usually pretty well

-can constantly rebuild their self-image to suit whatever role is necessary

-individual

-curious

-intense

-insightful

-excitement

-ability to merge

-strong sense of right and wrong

-willingness to please

-flexibility

Have you ever felt like you are able to fit into any group of people or situation and just go with the flow?This is called having a chameleon personality. You are able to blend in in any situation.One reason we can do this is because we have a distorted self-identity or no self-identity, so we create an identity for ourselves based on who’s around us. Another reason we do this is to fit in with different people or crowds, without having to worry about saying or doing something embarassing, or that people won’t like us for.

What does your anxiety do? It does not empty tomorrow of it’s sorrow, but it empties today of it’s strength. It does not make you escape the evil; it makes you unfit to cope with if it comes.

I’m selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.

Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be.

Right now I don’t know what a balanced life feels like, but with the right therapy and the right mindset, healing is possible.

My dark days made me strong. Or maybe I already was strong, and they made me prove it.

Today I choose life. Every morning when I wake up I can choose joy, happiness, negativity, pain…to feel the freedom that comes from being able to continue to make mistakes and choices-today I choose to feel life, not to deny my humanity, but to embrace it.

Positivity, confidence, and persistence are key in life, so never give up on yourself.

It dosen’t have to take over your life, it dosen’t have to define you as a person; it’s just important that you ask for help. It’s not a sign of weakness.

Your illness is not your identity. Your chemistry is not your character.

I started a non-profit in February of 2018 called Borderline Personality Disorder Support Corp. I run two websites, http://www.bpdworldwide.com and http://www.thebpdgroup.com

I have a business page on Facebook, Borderline Personality Disorder Support Group page.

I run a Twitter, @BpdGroup, and an Instagram, bpdsupportgroup2.

I started this non-profit because I want to help others with their BPD. I believe we can heal and lead healthy lives.

My mission statement: Our mission is to support and encourage persons with BPD, and the people who care about them, to empower them with knowledge and a better understanding of their illness, and to give them a safe and non-judgemental place to belong.